6:35 PM
prabu
I'm 67 and have masturbated since my teens. Recently my wife asked why I spent so long in the shower. Was I wanking? At first I denied it. What devastated my wife was that I'd been doing this throughout our 14-year marriage. She'd always found me less interested in sex than she liked, and the revelation that I was apparently more interested in sex with myself than with her hurt her. I vowed to stop but the subject keeps coming up. It's damaged our relationship, and I don't know how to put it right.
Self-pleasuring is a normal, private activity, and many people enjoy it in addition to having sex with a partner. It's a different sexual experience from partner-sex, and shouldn't be considered "in competition". It often serves quite a different purpose – as a source of comfort or anxiety-reduction, besides a quick sexual release.
Most people are secretive about it (negative, judgmental attitudes clearly still exist). But unless you're debilitatingly compulsive about it, it's actually no one else's business.
Unfortunately, your wife has taken it personally. Trust takes time to rebuild, but of more concern is the fact that your long-term self-pleasuring is unlikely to stop permanently, so failure, more self-hatred and another "breach of trust" is looming. Try to be more accepting of your own natural behaviour, help your wife to understand it, and explain that for you masturbation never held the same meaning as making love with her. Most importantly, make a special effort to find more ways to pleasure her – and show her some new tricks to please you. And no more confessions
When your relationship isn't a humdrum affair, then why should your sex life be dull and lifeless? There's more to a rocking sex life than just simple, great sex. A marvelous sexual connection includes different kinds of sex, even the ones you haven't dared to experiment with perhaps. Check out the different kinds of love making acts you and your lover can indulge in for a night of passion.
Experimental sex
Couples in long-term relationship often opt for this kind of act as they miss the excitement and lust filled initial-days of their relationship. With time, a couple's love life loses its zing and to get it back one needs to try new things. "Try pushing the regular comfort zones. It may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; you can even go for thrilling experiences like making love on the terrace or in the balcony or at some public place." explains Meera Wahi, married for last nine years.
Why to try : There's nothing like the moment when you're struggling for breath thinking, "That was amazing, we've never done that before." Experts suggest that no matter how long you've been in a relationship, you need to have an earth-shattering sexual experience every once in a while. What's more try pushing the boundaries, as this will heighten the trust between you two, create an exceptional comfort level and minimise the possibilities of casual flings outside the relationship. So, go ahead and clue in to your partner's covert bedroom urges to transform the every-night mediocre sex to a mind-blowing encounter. You'll harvest the sensually gratifying perks too.
Necessary sex
Necessary sex can be explained as 'just-for-the-heck-of-it sex', which is vital for a long-term relationship to retain its sexual spark. These are your very special, intimate 'me-time' moments which relieve stress, burns calories and lift spirits. Supports Mihika, a 31-year-old, new mom, "As a new mom, I am tired most of the times. However, I make special effort to get going in the bed and this makes me feel closer to him. Even if the sex isn't that good, it feels like the relationship has become stronger."
Why to try : Necessary sex is all about decreasing sexual anxiety, accomplishing the Big O, and feeling good about your sexual prowess. Experts say that regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. By making sex a regular habit, you can open new avenues of bonding as a couple. Moreover, doing it sometimes when you are not in the perfect mood can gear you up for something much hotter the next time around. And most importantly, don't forget how much a hit-the-roof orgasm does to keep your sex spark bright.
Bummer sex
Admit it, for it's something that's bound to happen. An awkward grunt, a stupid expression, somebody walking in unexpectedly or may be slipping down the bed, all of us can have these embarrassing moments that we would like to ideally forget. Akhil, a 27-year-old choreographer, recollects, "We'd been together since last one year. The last time we were having sex, her roommate just walked in. We didn't know what to say. Finally I said, 'Whoops!' and we laughed our heart out. The voyeurism added to the fire, needless to say."
Why to try : Don't fret about imperfect moments in your sex life; just rejoice and hold your lover tight. Your ability to deal with embarrassing situations reflects the strength of your relationship, say experts. Real understanding is about being able to feel at ease with each other in awkward circumstances as well. Emotional presence and trust is the biggest aphrodisiac of all and often provides the sexual thrill which can last a lifetime. React positively to embarrassing sexual mishaps and she will add funny, cute and smart to her mental list of reasons as to why she chooses to be intimate with you.
Vacation sex
A new, romantic locale often allows lovers to rediscover each another in a new light. Amidst trying different platters, adventure sports or checking out a variety of nightlife activities, every evening feels like a special date night. Vacation sexcapades act as a catalyst to reignite the passion in a relationship and make a couple feel more connected. "When on a vacation, you're at your most carefree best, which means you can try out new things you won't have to be accountable for at home. We went to Kerala on a friend's recommendation, and needless to say we had the best sex ever," shares Sidhartha, a 39-year-old business man.
Why to try : Something about leaving the laptop behind, turning the cell phone off and relaxing makes the sex better. Experts say that being in a totally alien environment sparks a sense of adventure and boldness in couples. All of this adds up to stimulating sex, which is more gratifying and more memorable than what couples have at home. Moreover, a vacation is the best place to get 'sexperimental'. When people encounter new experiences, dopamine spikes in the brain, eliciting a feeling of all encompassing lust. This is one of the reasons a vast majority of relationship counsellors recommend regular getaways as one of the things that can help strengthen your bond.
Make-up sex
There is nothing like engaging in a sexual reconciliation after a long, gut-wrenching argument. The quality of such sex is directly proportional to the amount of time spent apart; courtesy - the phenomenal release of emotions. "After all the screaming and blaming is over and we proceed towards reconciling, I fall in love with him all over again. This after-fight sex gives me the same kick as that 'beginning sex' when we first meet. All of that anger is released into passion and it's like we just want to tear down the place," admits Mehul, who's been married for seven years.
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Threesomes are one of those sexual fantasies that men can’t seem to shake — no matter how hard their wives and girlfriends shake them. The appeal is probably mathematical. One = good. Ergo, two = twice as good. (Three = three times as good but clearly impossible.) A woman calls up Loveline looking for advice: … Read more
Naturally all blokes don't watch pornography, but when scientists recently launched a search inCanada for men who had never looked at such sexually explicit material -- believe it or not, they couldn't find any.
In fact, an international team was conducting a study comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography with regular users. But, their project stumbled at the first hurdle when they failed to find a single man who had not been seen it.
"We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography. We couldn't find any," The Daily Telegraph quoted the team's leader Prof Simon Louis Lajeunesse as saying.
Although hampered in its original aim, the study examined the habits of those young men who used pornography -- which would appear to be all of them.
The team interviewed 20 heterosexual male university students who consumed pornography, and found on average, they first watched pornography when they were 10 years old.
Around 90 per cent of consumption was on the internet, while 10 per cent of material came from video stores. Single men watched pornography for an average of 40 minutes, three times a week, while those in relationships watched it 1.7 times a week for around 20 minutes.
Bored of the same routine that you and your partner follow in the bedroom? Here are some spicy ideas that you can indulge in to keep yoursex life rocking.
Role Play: If it turns him/her on, on the screen, imagine how much more effective it will be in real life. Think up which is your partner's favourite movie love scene and surprise them by recreating it in your bedroom. You don't necessarily have to get each and every detail right, instead work on your own look.
Hands-Free: It's quite amazing how a simple touch can indeed arouse your partner. But instead of using your hands, like you always do, try to arouse him/her by using some other body part. Tell your partner it's a hands-free night and be as innovative as you can, you'll be surprised at how much he/she will love it.
Talk the deed : There's a reason why phone sex is so popular, words can indeed be an instant turn on. Ask your partner what s/he's wearing and describe, as sexily as you can, what you are wearing and then, talk about how you'd like to undress him/her. Tell him/her about your secret fantasy and get them to tell you theirs and then discuss how you could indulge in it while in the bedroom.
Set it up: Put out those harsh, artificial lights and opt for some scented candles, scatter petals of roses all over the bed and whatever else you know will work to make the night even more interesting. Yes, this is where you need to do the settings for those fantasies that you and your partner have discussed. For that element of surprise, lead your partner into the bedroom with his/her eyes covered.
The surprise factor: Nothing works better to work up the passion than leading him/her on. Leave a note on the TV remote that says 'Turn me on instead'. Leave directions, in the form of pieces of your clothing from the front door to your bedroom. Let him/her find you laying seductively on the bed and enjoy the action that follows.
As details emerge in the case of International Monetary Fund chief and alleged attacker Dominique Strauss-Kahn, my eye is on how his wrecked political clout is getting all the attention. The brutal assault of a hotel housekeeper that Manhattan District Attorney Artie McConnell described yesterday to a judge, who subsequently ordered that the IMF's managing director be held without bail at the Rikers Island jail complex? Not so much.
The IMF leader was (I think it's safe to use the past tense here because it's doubtful he'll re-emerge in politics, regardless of the outcome of this apparently damning case) a very likely French presidential candidate. In fact, he was widely seen as the Socialist Party's best hope for unseating French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Within hours of the story breaking, comments about a "Sarkozy setup" flooded the comments sections of online news reports, and soon emerged as their own articles.
As this story develops, it's all about Strauss-Kahn, instead of the woman (whose name is rightly protected) who accuses him of brutally attacking her. At her workplace. This woman, who was cleaning a $3,000-per-night hotel suite, is a human being. She deserves compassion as the global punditocracy conjectures about what's going happen to the IMF without that French "rockstar" at its helm.
My work focuses on the trafficking and exploitation of immigrant domestic workers, many of whom worked for Diplomats and employees of the World Bank and IMF. Of course, I'm reading the news coverage with interest. Over the past days, I have been watching how HER story is covered, in light of her occupation, ethnicity (reporters say that she's an African immigrant), and status as a crime victim. Usually, housekeepers are treated as silent, anonymous machines of the household, hotel, or office building, if they're noticed at all. But surely a vicious attack would shed light on the fact that this is a real person... right?
While I mostly work with household workers in private homes, the life of a hotel chambermaid is very similar. Being a housekeeper at a hotel (or anywhere else) doesn't exactly put you on equal footing with the wealthy and powerful when you are in "their" space. So when you're stuck in a bedroom (or private household) with them, what are your defenses?
Statistics about the frequency of sexual assault of hotel maids are difficult to find, but here's what I know about New York City's household workers, from a 2006 report by the Data Center and Domestic Workers United: "Thirty-three percent of workers experience verbal or physical abuse or have been made to feel uncomfortable by their employers. One-third of workers who face abuse identify race and immigration status as factors for their employers' actions." What we do know about the conditions of hotel housekeepers is that immigrants comprise the majority of that workforce, as do women of color, and that their workplace is dangerous on its own, let alone with the additional risk of sexual assault. Rushing to keep up with demand, hotel housekeepers have an injury rate 40 percent higher than workers in the overall service sector.
I have many other questions too. The two that come to mind immediately are:
1- Do Europeans and North Americans just assume that being subjected to sexual aggression is a given if you're a woman working as a maid in a wealthy man's home or hotel suite?
2- Why would anyone assume that a working-class woman would lie about a sexual assault to get money from a settlement?
I can't fathom why anyone would believe these things, but here we are in the comments section in Vanity Fair, the New York Times, and ABC News where every fourth word is "setup" and where the maid's getting very little empathy. I don't think the people writing these comments or news stories are malicious. It's just a symptom of the way household workers are treated in the United States and around the world. They are servants, and therefore -- for hotel guests and the people who can afford to have them clean their homes -- barely human.
Strauss-Kahn's lawyer Benjamin Brafman said that he represents "good people who have gone astray... that doesn't mean their lives should be destroyed." The themes of many of the reports and commentaries I have read center around the feeling that it would be a tragedy for this politician's career, and his removal would put the global economy at risk.
Because this "just" involves a hotel housekeeper, there's not a lot of conjecture about the tragedy she'll face as she tries to put her own life back together. Even if the reason that reporters aren't covering her story with humanity is that they want to respect our legal system's promise of "innocent until proven guilty," they're missing the broader point: this storyline isn't uncommon. No one is talking about the countless other household and hotel workers who have endured sexual harassment and assault at the hands of wealthy (or even middle-class) men around the world.
Why? Perhaps because it's supposed to be a fact of life that poor women's bodies are collateral damage of war, prizes for global accomplishment, or simply a means to an end. Women who are household workers or "servants" are even more vulnerable to dehumanizing sexual assault than others because their relationships are inherently unequal to their employers. We don't have scientific studies of the relative risks, but we have hundreds of testimonies of household workers who have been trafficked, exploited, and assaulted, and our common sense that tells us there are many more out there.
Of course it isn't uncommon that famous/wealthy men who assault women usually dominate the news. What will Strauss-Kahn do next? Even when their conduct is deemed improper without being illegal, there's a lot of hand-wringing over how prominent men such as former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, and former Sen. John Edwards, will suffer for their indiscretions.
Poor guys.
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